Therapists train for long hours, learn skills, learn how to talk – we wonder which approach might be most beneficial to the people who we meet – Freud, Jung, Rogers, Skinner, Beck, one of them? Some of them? A mix of all of them and more perhaps?!
In the beginning, while training and learning, I was trying to focus on keeping the practices in mind, make sure the skills are in place, remember this point from that day and some other point from another lecture and session, hold it all in memory, try to do mental jugglery – worried that I may not do the correct thing – afraid that I will make a terrible mistake.
Soon classes, supervised training hours, practice sessions started to merge toward “real-life” counselling and therapy. My first counsellee came with issues I had not really had much exposure to while training – my heart screeched with worry and then my memory failed. The lessons learned were all muddled and the brain foggy… the person sitting across from me however, had already started speaking.
I already missed a few points of what was said – she however, continued unmindful of my state. All I did then was to listen to what she was saying. I sat there not speaking a word, simply listening – both – to her and to my heart beating thunderously. It was in a sudden flash then, that I realised that first and foremost what a person needs, is to be heard out, to be listened to – without any agenda, non judgmentally and with empathy – to be tuned in to the other with an unconditional acceptance.
We often hear the words – don’t just sit there, do something!
Yet, through this experience and then through many stumbling others, I learnt a greater lesson – Listening is more than talking, and being there is more than trying to ‘do’ something… I now say ‘being is doing’!
Dr Lakshmi K is a psychotherapist in private practice. She is also part of the Green Oaks Initiative consulting team.